Naruto, the Spanking Nin
by MogtheGnome
Summary: Originally a oneshot, it's finally been finished, and thus given its own story. Basically... What would happen if not only the preliminary match's were rigged differently, but also if Sakura felt the need to get back at Ino?
1. Chapter 1

Spankings: A One Shot

Spankings: A One Shot

"And the first Match is... Uchiha Sasuke vs. Haruno Sakura!"

Sasuke grunted, displeased that he didn't get a more worthy opponent.

But then again, perhaps it was for the best, seeing as he wasn't allowed to use most of his skills.

Sakura whimpered.

'This isn't fair! I don't stand a chance!'

"Haha, forehead! Now you aren't going to make it to the finals for sure!"

Sakura's face twisted in anger, as Ino jeered her from the crowd.

But, standing in the arena... Ino was right.

Sakura dropped her head.

"I... I forfeit."

Sakura watched sadly, as Kakashi bustled Sasuke out of the arena.

"There there, Sakura... I think you could have made it. You're better then half the people here!"

Sakura smiled wanly at Naruto, happy that at least someone believed in her.

Even if it wasn't Sasuke. Or herself.

"Haha! Sucks to be you, Sakura!"

'Ino-pig... You're gonna get it!'

1234567890

"And the next match is... Uzumaki Naruto vs. Yamanaka Ino!"

While Ino looked relieved, Sakura's lip curled.

Because she knew that Naruto was vastly improved, much better then Ino suspected.

And Naruto would do anything Sakura said. This included embarrassing Ino...

"Naruto, come here! I want you to do something..."

The whole crowd looked on in curiosity, as Sakura began whispering something into Naruto's ear.

"What? No way! I can't do that!"

'What the hell is going on up there?'

Ino watched as Naruto protested _something_ that Sakura wanted him to do.

"Get your ass down here, Naruto! Too bad Sasuke isn't here for me to impress, by beating you up!"

Naruto's face hardened.

Seeing Naruto start to get upset, Sakura moved in for the kill.

"If you do what I asked perfectly... I'll go get ramen with you..."

"DEAL!"

'Hehehe... Oh, you'll get yours, Ino-pig... You'll get yours...'

1234567890

The fight, at first, was rather disappointing.

It seemed to be Naruto creating clones, and dodging around Ino.

Who sucked. Any who watched her fight could tell that, while she was rather passionate about fighting... she sucked.

It was also odd that Naruto's clones didn't seem to be getting in on the action.

They were just standing there... Surrounding the two.

And then, Ino made a mistake.

She over-extended on a kunai strike.

Naruto dodged to the side, grabbing her wrist...

... And pulled her down, even as he himself sat down.

Onto a convenient Kage-bunshin that henged itself into a chair.

Immediately, his other Kage Bunshin rushed forward, grabbing Ino's limbs.

Most people looked on in confusion, as Naruto sat with Ino held down over his knee.

All except for two.

The first was Sakura, who wore the most evil grin anyone had ever seen on her.

The second was the newly returned Kakashi, who was flipping at a rapid pace through one of his Icha Icha Paradise.

Because the scene looked rather familiar to him.

"What the hell are you doing, Naruto!? Let me go!"

"No can do, Ino. Sakura-chan asked me to get back at you for insulting her, and this was the way she suggested. For a date with Sakura-chan... You'll just have to deal."

And the room went silent as he flipped her little purple skirt up, revealing her bandage-covered behind.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DO-MMPH!"

Before Ino could protest further, one of the clones had ripped part of his shirt off, and thrust it into Ino's mouth, effectively gagging her.

Asuma, who had been about to protest where this match was going, decided it was worth it to let it continue, just so that Ino would be quiet, if even for a little while.

"You should have thought before trying to embarrass Sakura-chan during her fight, Ino."

And, with that, he spanked her.

Loudly.

Forcefully.

Ino's body jerked, from how hard Naruto had hit her.

It had been years since she'd been spanked... The last time it had happened, she had been two, and had broken one of her mother's favorite vases.

And now, in front of her peers, she was being spanked.

SLAP!

And another.

SLAP!

And another.

Ino could feel tears welling up.

The Konoha genin were strangely silent.

SLAP!

The foreign genin... were not.

"Hah! Look at that bitch! What kind of ninja lets herself get spanked in a fight?"

SLAP!

Ino was crying, now. She could practically feel the heat burning off her ass, from how red it had to be.

Luckily, she wore a pair of panties under her bandages, just in case.

Unfortunately, Naruto had just realized that.

"Well... Sakura-chan said it should be as embarrassing as possible..."

After hearing Naruto mutter that under his breath, Ino swore that she would kill Sakura.

The tension in the room mounted further as Naruto gently pushed aside the bandages, revealing Ino's little white panties underneath.

Panties that barely covered her glowing-red ass, from how hard she'd been spanked.

"Ino... You can always just give up, and end this..."

'No! I can't give up! I'll break out of this, and kick your ass, Naruto!'

Ino didn't even realize she didn't, she couldn't say that aloud. Both because of the gag, and because of the tears she was doing her best to hold back.

Waiting a second for a response, Naruto raised his hand again.

SLAP!

SLAP!

SLAP!

Tears were silently falling down Ino's face.

The crowd was silent once more, with both Hayate and the Hokage ready to call the match at any second.

While this WAS an unusual fight, there was nothing in the rules against it.

They were ninja, and ninja fight in all manner of ways.

Even sexual.

SLAP!

"Now, Ino... Are you ready to give up?"

Seeing Ino shake her head, Naruto sighed...

"Well, I didn't want to have to do this..."

... And he pulled down Ino's panties, just a little.

Revealing all of her ass, with hand marks covering every inch of it.

SLAP!

SLAP!

NOW Asuma had had enough.

This was going too far... Her father would KILL him for letting this happen.

He might just have to step in and interfere...

"Ino... I think you're done. Are you ready to give up?"

And, to no ones surprise, Ino nodded.

Tears were streaming down her face. Her throat was hoarse from her constant muffled screams.

And she doubted that she'd be able to sit down for a week.

"Winner: Uzumaki Naruto."

Gently, ever-so-gently, Naruto removed the gag. Naruto pulled Ino's panties back up. He retied her bandages, and flipped her skirt down.

Ino was too tired, too drained to yell at him. After Naruto placed her on her feet, she started to stumble, and nearly fell before Naruto caught her again.

Everyone was surprised that Ino didn't object when Naruto picked her up, bridal-style, and walked out of the room.

Author's Notes: This idea was posted on TFF by Prince Charon. I decided to extrapolate on it. It ain't going any further, though.


	2. Chapter 2

Ok, so I lied

Ok, so I lied.

The Spankings Continue!

"Here are the match-ups for the Third Exam..."

1234567890

"Ya know, Sakura-chan... That whole spanking thing with Ino was totally worth it, because you're actually having dinner with me! Even if Ino's dad DID try to kill me..."

As Naruto collected on his reward, the two ate their dinner, in surprising silence.

Naruto was afraid of ruining it by talking, and Sakura didn't really have anything to say.

As it winded down to a close, Naruto stood up.

"Yo, I need a Miso Ramen to go! I'm gonna go bring one to Fuzzy Brows in the hospital!"

After saying goodbye to Sakura (who had warned him, pre-date, that if Naruto did anything too excessive... she'd never go out with him again), Naruto left for the hospital.

The scene when he got there, though, was one he did not expect.

1234567890

"Tenten, once I get out of here, I'll make sure to help you train up so you don't lose like that again! We'll work on your Taijutsu! And if I can't help you get stronger, I'll do 500 pushups! And if I can't do all 500, I'll climb the Hokage monument! And if I can't do that- Naruto, what are you doing here?"

Naruto stood in the doorway, watching Lee shout from where he lay in bed. Tenten sat in a chair next to it, eyes red from crying. The girl immediately turned away from him, as if to hide the fact.

"Hey, you're the one who fought the girl I'm going to fight in the finals! Tenten, or something!"

"Yosh, Naruto! You can avenge Tenten's honor in battle! And is that ramen I smell?"

"Yup... Figured I'd come by to visit! And what's that about avenging Tenten's honor?"

Both Lee and Naruto turned to Tenten, who seemed to be trying to bury herself in her chair. Probably because the two boys in the room were shouting a conversation that could probably be heard all over the hospital about her... And about how she lost.

"Tenten is very upset about losing! Since you're fighting the girl who beat her anyway..."

"Well, I'll see what I can do..."

1234567890

Sakura knocked on Ino's front door.

After being ushered in by Ino's mother, she found herself outside of Ino's bedroom.

"Ino? Can I come in? It's me, Sakura..."

Sakura began to open the door. After cracking it open a bit, her eyes widened in surprise before the door was slammed shut.

"I don't wanna talk to you, Sakura! Get out!"

Sakura walked away slowly, with only one thought on her mind.

"Was that... a Naruto picture I saw up on her wall where her Sasuke poster used to be?"

1234567890

"First match of the Third Exam: Uzumaki Naruto vs. Temari"

Naruto and Temari faced off, in the center of the arena.

"Don't think you're going to even lay one hand on me, pervert!"

"Like you can beat me! I'm going to be Hokage... and that means I have to advance!"

The crowd stood on edge... Most didn't know what had happened in the match between Naruto and Ino, because Inoichi had managed to suppress most of the information regarding it... But still, it was the village pariah versus the daughter of the Kazekage. A big deal, that.

The match started, with Temari swiftly moving in for the kill.

She didn't want to risk anything happening to her like what happened to that loser Konoha Kunoichi.

Best not to take chances.

So she opened up with a Kamaitachi, and as Naruto leapt over that, she launched another.

However, in mid air, Naruto began using his main strategy: Spam Kage Bunshins until all your opponent can see is orange.

Not many genin can handle 20 clones at a time, much less the 150 that Naruto summoned.

Sure, it left him a little tired because his emotions weren't running strong... But it was worth it, seeing the girl start to panic.

Because panicking opponents made mistakes.

'An opening!'

Just as Temari swung her fan, launching another gust of wind, three Naruto clones popped up from the sides, and knocked the fan away.

One of the clones tossed it up in the air, while another one grabbed it out of midair and threw it out of the arena.

Temari gulped, seeing all the clones turn towards her, grinning sinisterly.

'Oh, shit!'

She tried to put a brave face on... But she was scared.

"Heh... Well, since you went and embarrassed a Konoha-nin back in the prelims... turn about is fair play!"

Tenten and Lee cheered from the crowd. Several people looked at them oddly... but the people who knew what had happened... the ones who knew what was coming... Well, there was mixed reactions.

"GO NARUTO! YOU KICK SO MUCH ASS, MAN!"

"DAMNIT, NARUTO! YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND DOING THAT TO EVERY GIRL YOU FIGHT!"

Kiba's and Sakura's reactions represented the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Ino, sitting next to Chouji, was oddly silent.

Everyone in the crowd was wondering why Temari started to look so panicked.

Just as she opened up her mouth to forfeit... Naruto made his move.

10 Naruto's jumped her, holding her down.

Another Naruto pulled a rag out of nowhere, and gagged her with it.

And the real Naruto approached, ever so slowly.

1234567890

Up in the Kage box, Sarutobi put his face in his hands.

"Oh God... Kazekage-sama, perhaps we should step in this match, and end it? To try and spare your daughter the... embarrassment that this event will bring her?"

The Sandaime was shocked, as the Kazekage looked on, as if nothing was happening.

"Temari is a Kunoichi... If she can't handle something like this, and win the fight, then there is no way Suna would be able to trust her with missions. If one boy can defeat her like this... then anyone could. I will not interfere... not yet."

Oddly enough, Sarutobi was spot on a moment later when he thought 'That... that can't be the Kazekage. The Kazekage is far too concerned with keeping face to let something like this happen!'

He just didn't realize how right he was.

1234567890

The Kazekage's lack of action prompted Baki not to act. If the Kage was going to let this happen... There was no way HE was getting involved.

Baki's lack of action prompted Kankurou not to act. He figured that his sensei would handle this, if it should be handled.

And Gaara... Gaara just didn't care.

1234567890

"No! You son of a bitch! I'll kill you!"

"Sure, sure, Suna-chan... But you brought this on yourself, doing whatcha did to Tenten."

"I WILL RIP YOUR FUCKING NUTS OF-mmph!"

"NARUTO, YOU ARE MY HERO!"

Naruto paused, to look up in the audience.

He saw Kiba (who had lost to Dosu), and Chouji (Who had lost to Kin), sitting up in the audience, holding a banner.

A banner that said "NARUTO KICKS ASS!" on it.

The audience was wondering what exactly was happening, as Naruto sat down on a henged Kage-chair, and had his clones pull the gagged Sand ninja over to him.

People began murmuring in disbelief, as Temari was laid, kicking and screaming (though muffled), over his knee.

The murmurs turned into cries of outrage (from the women), and whistles (from the men) when Naruto yanked up her skirt, revealing only a tiny thong.

'I knew I should have worn more down there! I thought I'd end it quick, though!'

With Kiba's cheers redoubling, and every guy except for Sasuke staring, Naruto brought his hand down sharply.

"You should have thought twice before insulting a Konoha-nin..."

Naruto's statement echoed throughout the crowd, causing people to stop and wonder what the hell that girl did to warrant such public humiliation.

SLAP!

SLAP!

Her whimpers muffled by the gag, Temari could feel her ass burning in pain, the imprinted shape of Naruto's hand a stark contrast to her slightly tanned behind.

SLAP!

The cheers and jeers from the crowd increased, while the spanking continued.

After Naruto reached 15 slaps, Kankurou turned to where Baki waited, hoping to get a clue of what to do.

Baki turned to look up at the Kage box, wondering if he was supposed to interfere.

And neither saw any reaction from the Kazekage... so they themselves thought they shouldn't interefere.

1234567890

In the audience the genin sat.

Kiba turned away from the spectacle, and looked at Ino, two seats down.

"Hey Ino, why aren't ya saying anything? I thought you'd hate Naruto, seeing as what happened to ya."

Ino didn't even turn to look at him, so Kiba shrugged, and turned back to watch the show.

But Hinata looked back, and got a glimpse of Ino's face.

And noticed her blushing furiously.

'She can't be... No! I need to get Naruto-kun to notice me, before I lose him to some... some other girl! If only Naruto-kun would spank me...'

And, oddly enough, Hinata and Ino shared what was essentially the same fantasy, only with themselves in the... 'lead role'.

1234567890

SLAP!

SLAP!

"Hmm... Well, I'm not sure if you're done yet. I've got an idea... I'll accept your forfeit, and end this... If you count off the next ten. If you can, I'll let you go. If not... It'll go on."

Temari nodded slightly, and one of the Kage bunshin removed the gag, keeping it close in case Temari tried to forfeit before her 'punishment' was done.

Naruto raised up his hand.

And sharply brought it down.

"O-one!"

SLAP!

"T-T-TWO!"

SLAP!

"THREE!"

Kankurou had enough of his sister's plight.

He was going to do something about it.

Just as he stepped forward, to throw in the towel, he was stopped.

He turned, only to see Gaara, shaking his head.

1234567890

SLAP!

"N-NINE!"

SLAP!

"TEN!"

After ten was reached, Naruto stopped.

He gently massaged Temari's bright red ass, satisfied in the embarrassment that Temari must be feeling right now.

'After all, why else would she moan like that if she wasn't ashamed?'

Naruto's hand unconsciously went a little bit lower, as Temari panted, trying to get a forfeit out.

Naruto didn't even notice where his hand was going, until Temari squealed, and he felt an odd wetness.

Quickly pulling his hand away, he looked at it, then back down at Temari.

Before Naruto could comment on it, Temari managed to squeak out a forfeit.

Kankurou immediately jumped into the ring, grabbing Temari.

"Winner: Uzumaki Naruto!"

And all the way on his walk back to the competitor's box, all Naruto could do was stare at his strangely sticky hand.


	3. Chapter 3

The Spankings Continue

The Spankings Continue!

Chapter 3

Naruto: Kunoichi's Natural Enemy, or was he their Best Friend?

"For the second match of the first round of the Chuunin Exam Finals... Uchiha Sasuke vs. Kin Tsuchi."

The whole order of matches, and who was fighting who, had been changed from what it could have been. Different people won, setting the stage for a very different final round.

"Tch... When will I get an opponent worth my time?"

For one, Sasuke was not taught the chidori, nor was his training nearly as intense. After all, his first round opponent was NOT Gaara.

No, instead he was up against some random girl who got in by using genjutsu against Chouji.

'She isn't even worth the time of training for!'

Sasuke and Kakashi were expecting an easy fight, what with the fact that the Sharingan can't really be fooled by illusions. They didn't even bother with the dramatic entrance, and instead were there to watch Naruto's 'fight' against Temari.

"Please, it's you who's not worth my time. Maybe if you were half the man your teammate seems to be... But I don't like playing with little boys."

Sasuke stopped at that.

He had heard of Naruto's match in the prelims, and he had seen the match with his own eyes against Temari. He hadn't blushed that much in a long time.

But now his face was red with anger.

How dare this girl imply he wasn't manly!? He was an Uchiha, the manliest of manly men in all of Konoha!

He conveniently chose not to remember the hour he had spent picking out his outfit for the finals, nor how long it had taken him to figure out if he should redo his hair. Nope, that didn't make him any less manly.

But now someone was going to say that NARUTO was manlier then he? Hell fucking no! If Naruto could spank some bitches into submission, then Sasuke could to!

He wouldn't even need his Sharingan for this...

1234567890

"I can't believe Sasuke was THAT stupid... This match was a sure lock! How did he lose?"

Even as Kakashi despaired, and many in the audience looked shocked, a number of them laughed at the hilarity of the whole thing.

The match was short. After their brief exchange of insults, Sasuke quickly moved in to grapple the girl to get her into position for her 'punishment' for insulting his manhood.

Not even activating his Sharingan, he failed to notice the girl had prepared the arena the night before, with several of her senbon-bells in various areas, waiting for her to activate her genjutsu.

However... she didn't even need to use any of them.

No, the second Sasuke reached to grab her and pull her down she reacted as most girls would: She screeched, and kicked him in the balls.

Sasuke hadn't thought that she would react like that (because it hadn't happened to Naruto), and hadn't even thought to protect his precious Uchiha junk.

Many men in the audience (most notably the Kazekage, who Sarutobi merely assumed had once had a similar thing happen to him) winced in sympathy.

The wincing turned to squirming when the Sound kunoichi grounded her heel into his crotch for good measure.

It took Kiba and Chouji holding her back to stop Sakura from flying into the arena to kill the girl.

So, Sasuke lost what should have been a 'sure thing'.

1234567890

The other rounds continued, none of them as exciting as the first two.

Shikamaru (who had defeated Akado Yoroi) lost to Neji (Who had deafeated Hinata), who's skill and strength was too much for Shikamaru to strategize his way around.

Shino (who had defeated Zaku) won by forfeit againt Kankurou (Who had defeated the really stretchy guy who's name no one ever remembers).

And Gaara (who had defeated Lee) literally crushed Dosu.

Orochimaru had not initiated the invasion yet, because frankly, he was not very impressed with Sasuke's performance. Not only that... but there was no opportune moment yet for him to do so. Gaara certainly didn't seem prepared to transform and set off the initial havoc, even if Kabuto performed the genjutsu.

So he decided to wait.

And thus started Round 2... Naruto vs. Kin.

1234567890

Naruto walked down into the arena, ready to beat up the girl who had presumed to defeat HIS rival. Well, he wasn't really that upset... He HAD done better then Sasuke already, which technically made him the stronger ninja. He was ready to go down there for a normal, Kage Bunshin filled fight. No spankings or anything.

He was ready... He was pumped... He was going to win!

Kin, though... She had different ideas.

Naruto was confused at the strange way Kin seemed to be staring at him, as they squared off, waiting for the ref to start the fight.

Perhaps if it had been aimed at someone else, he would have recognized it for the leer it was.

Up in the audience, Ino, Hinata, and Sakura certainly did.

"The first match of the second round of the Chuunin Exams finals will now... BEGIN!"

1234567890

Naruto opened up by charging Kin, who opted to dodge out of the way.

Naruto decided to up the ante, and created a few Kage Bunshins.

Kin retaliated by activating some of her illusions.

Since the main one she used just created multiple copies of herself to confuse her opponents... it was sort of like she had countered with a more effective version of the basic Bunshin.

The audience cheered as the fight raged, Naruto attempting to catch the real Kin, and Kin attempting lure him into one of her more dangerous genjutsu.

Just as it seemed that Naruto had stumbled into one of the areas she had seeded with a more dangerous genjutsu-senbon, several Kage Bunshins popped up out of nowhere and dog piled her.

The real Naruto approached them, and before he could say anything, Kin spoke up.

"So... How did you know which was the real me?"

Naruto, slightly disturbed by the incredibly shark-like grin that Kin was sporting, paused a moment before replying.

"Hah! I may not be an Inuzuka, but I do have a good nose! And, for whatever reason, partway through the match I noticed that you smelled differently then your illusions... In fact, it was kinda the same way that that Temari girl smelled at the end of her match, come to think of it..."

"So, what are you going to do now? I'm not just going to give up... You're going to have to EARN your victory. Or are you not man enough?"

Naruto bristled at that. He was very much a man, thank you very much.

However... Even he realized this was unusual. It almost seemed like... She wanted him to do it? It was clear even to him that she seemed to be challenging him to treat her like he did his last two opponents.

And if his opponent wanted him to do something in a fight, well... It was generally a good idea to do the opposite.

So he smirked down at the Kunoichi, still held in place on the floor by numerous Kage Bunshins.

"Please... Why should I do it? I already have you beat... Why the heck should I bother to go that far?"

They were speaking relatively quietly, and with the roar of the crowd, not many could make out what they were saying.

Of course, with the way Naruto stared down at her smirking, held down similarly to the way Temari had been last round... Many people were forming their own ideas of what was going on.

"NARUTO, YOU ARE MY FUCKING HERO! SPANK THAT BITCH'S ASS!"

Pausing, Naruto turned up to where the shout originated, and groaned.

Kiba and Chouji had apparently written something on the opposite side of their 'Naruto Kicks Ass' sign.

Now, it read 'Naruto Spanks Ass!' With a crude drawing of Naruto, hand held high. with a faceless brunette bent over his lap.

He was actually kind of surprised that none of the girls they were sitting with had seemed to notice (or maybe it was care?) about the sign change.

Naruto, about to call over the ref and have him declared the winner, was interrupted by his fallen foe.

"Well... I would imagine that a Konoha ninja like you would take any chance he could to get information out of an enemy like me. Or at least, that's what a smart ninja would do."

Naruto turned his gaze back upon the girl, who was again looking rather... smug? She was goaded him into doing something, to be sure.

"... And what kind of information would this be, that you would want me to publicly humiliate you to get?"

"Well, you'll just have to find out, won't you? Now are you a man or what?"

He knew something was up. The way she was acting just didn't make any sense. It was clear that she WANTED him to spank her. She was even giving him an incentive to do so. As far as he knew, none of the other girls actually liked the idea of him spanking them... But this girl was willing to actively betray her village if he did it?

However... It wasn't like Naruto was a eunuch. He HAD enjoyed his last two fights. Even if he felt a little embarrassed for liking it... He couldn't deny that it felt good to touch girls _there_. And, well... This one was pretty much saying that if he didn't do so, he wouldn't be a real man?

"... Fine then... If you want it so badly..."

And the roar of the young men (and older perverts) in the audience grew as Naruto once again found himself seated on a kage-bunshin-henged-chair, with an attractive girl on his knee.

1234567890

Up in the Kage Booth, Orochimaru was nervous. He was able to read lips, and while he couldn't see Kin's face from his angle, he COULD see Naruto's. And even just 'hearing' his half of the conversation... Well, he realized his cover might be blown before Gaara was ready.

'Damnit! Why is it that every ninja I recruited for Oto had to be either completely asexual, or a pervert on a level close to Jiraiya?'

Because of the rampant perversion of some of his ninjas, and because he actually wanted work to get done, Orochimaru had forbidden such interactions (or intercourse, as the case may be) between his ninja, because he felt it would lower their productivity. He allowed them to do what they wished by themselves in the privacy of their own homes, of course, but fraternization of the sort that caused repercussions that could cause him to lose valued members of his Kunoichi elite (more of them existed then you'd imagine, surprisingly... Rumors that there would be no sexual harassment in Otogakure brought women in droves) was unacceptable.

'Maybe I should amend that ruling, so that situations like this don't happen again?'

Ironically, that thought was immediately followed by one of how, after executing his attack on Konoha, and leaving it in ruins, he planned to dress Sasuke when he finally joined up with Sound.

Perverts, indeed.

1234567890

It seemed that the young Ms. Tsuchi had come to this fight prepared… Or, for most people in this situation, as unprepared as possible. Not really in the mood to be kind or pleasant about this, Naruto had swiftly yanked up her shirt, and then pulled down her pants, revealing a completely bare bottom.

Of course, due to how she was placed on her lap, he noticed something else many in the audience missed.

'Why is my leg wet...? Hey! That's the same smelling stuff that I noticed coming from that Temari girl... Wait... I remember learning something about this from those sex-ed classes they made us take last year in the academy. She's... getting ready for sex? My god, she's a pervert!'

It all fell into place in Naruto's mind. Pushing aside the odd thought in his mind of why Temari had been wet, too (because, really, that wasn't something he felt he could deal with at the moment), his smirk grew.

'I am the man! But wait, what about Sakura-chan? I like her! But... It was her idea for me to do this kind of thing in the first place. Maybe she wants me to do this to her?'

Kin began to feel frustrated at the lack of spankage she was getting, and began to squirm about in Naruto's lap. This quickly brought his thoughts away from the path they had been traveling, something Naruto was rather upset about.

Firmly placing his right hand on her lower back, Naruto brought his left down in a stinging swat, eliciting something between a moan and a yelp from the girl.

"Stop moving about... Or do you not want me to do this?"

That brought Kin's movement to a halt for a few seconds, in which Naruto decided that he'd just have to ask someone else what the heck was going on with all the girls he had met/knew, because none of this was making sense to him.

But hey, he was going to roll with the moment.

It didn't hurt that people (even if they were all just the perverted guys he knew/were about his age/were not sitting with their wives/girlfriends) were cheering him on.

As Kin started to squirm again, Naruto brought his hand down again.

"Well... Don't you seem to like this? :SLAP: I'm surprised... Most girls :SLAP: wouldn't react so excitedly over :SLAP: something like :SLAP: this ."

Kin began to pant, as Naruto got more and more into it, making snide comments at her even as he brought his hand down to varying areas of her ass.

Naruto stopped for a moment, slowly massaging her behind, before posing a question.

"Now... What is it that you want to tell me?"

In between deep breaths, Kin managed to cough a reply out.

"You'll have to do a lot more before you get that out of me-eeeEEEEE!"

Halfway through her reply, Naruto had realized that his left leg, the one closer to Kin's lower body, was starting to go numb.

So, as she replied, he moved it a bit, even as he brought his hand down in another slap.

However, what he hadn't realized was now his knee was directly rubbing against Kin's... lower parts. And it was made more noticeable when he practically forced the two together when he spanked her.

'Man... I'm totally gonna have to change out of these pants before my next match.'

Seeing that this might be an effective technique, Naruto continue to move his knee around slightly in that same area, even as he continued to spank her, bringing even better results then before.

"So :SLAP: are you :SLAP: going to :SLAP: tell me :SLAP: what I :SLAP: want to know :SLAP:? Or am I going to have to stop?"

At that, Naruto lowered her hand to her butt, and continued massaging it as he had last time he posed a question. However, this time he did so deliberately lower then he would have dared before, closer to a spot that he figured would have gotten him castrated if this fight hadn't been as bizarre as it was.

'Man... Thank God for Iruka amending the sex-ed courses to include defenses against courtesan-type Kunoichi tactics... Even if he didn't mean to, the counter-tactics are so worth it!'

Naruto had never imagined that they were actually true, or that he'd ever get the chance to test them... But it would have been very silly for a ninja school to completely ignore a common ninja tactic.

Kin, unknown to him, had already orgasmed twice- It was the reason why his knee had gotten so damn wet. A small one from his early spanks, and a much larger one when he began actively working with his knee.

Kin, like many Sound ninja, was something of a deviant. Many who first came to Otogakure were in fact completely normal… But after living a stressful life in a place where it's hard to gain release… Well, your tastes start to get more and more outlandish. Anything that could get you off became good.

For Kin… Well, she liked the idea of being dominated. Never quite a submissive herself, of course (because that sort of thing quickly led to Very Bad Things in Otogakure), but she definitely liked the idea of a man who would take her by the reins and do with her what he will.

And after seeing Naruto's first match against Ino… She fixated on the idea of spanking.

For her, this was amazing.

And now... Now she was ready to talk.

"Orochimaru... Orochimaru is planning to invade... sometime during the tournament... He's replaced the Kazekage..."

Though she had finally said it, from the position of her head at the time (facing downwards), and the volume she had spoken it at (intermixed with panting, and rather quiet), no one else had heard but Naruto.

Naruto's hand snapped to a halt. In fact, it snapped forward.

Unfortunately (or rather, very fortunately), his hand had slipped a lot lower then he had expected.

Kin let out a loud, squealing moan, before slumping down, completely exhausted.

Naruto was frozen, knowing abstractly where his hand was now located, and wondering when he was going to be killed for it being there. He also noted that it was a lot warmer then he had expected, but was pretty much as wet as he had imagined.

Silence filled the arena. Many male civilians were wondering why the fuck they hadn't attended the ninja academy themselves, if this was how shinobi got to fight, and many male ninja were wishing that they got into sex-fights as often as this kid seemed to. The women, on the other hand, seemed mixed between 'Kill the bastard now!', 'This is what ninja do??', and 'Why the heck do the enemy ninja I fight not get me off sometime in the middle of it?'.

And then, it began.

Naruto looked up, to see Kiba stand up, and began clapping slowly.

Next to him, Chouji stood up too, and joined in on the clapping.

A few ninjas seated around them also stood up, and in several places in the audience, more men stood up and began applauding.

More and more men (and a very few women) rose, and the applause grew to be tumultuous.

It was the first slow clap ever recorded in Chuunin exam history.

The sound of the exam proctor declaring Naruto the winner rang out over the applause, even as Naruto stood up, still holding Kin, to bring her back to the contestants booth, and to quietly sneak off to inform someone about what he had just learned.

Oh, and to find a clean pair of pants, too. His smelled kinda fishy now.

Author's Notes: Yeah, I hadn't thought this would be the fic I picked back up first, after my time of not writing. Life has been going pretty shitty so far, and I've been having to deal with some irritatingly stressful stuff as of late. It's killed a lot of motivation for writing, for sure.

But, someone managed to prod me into writing this next snippet, which did turn out longer then I expected. Then again, some semblance of plot aspects (like the little scene where I mentioned what happened in the other fights, and who beat who in the prelims) were added. Not sure why I left them in for the final draft, as this almost certainly is crack without plot, but whatever.


	4. Chapter 4

Due to a variety of circumstances that I'm not going to go further into, someone managed to get me to write another section for this story.

Hurray for the Spankings!

Naruto- Kunoichi come out of everywhere just for a piece of the action!

After wandering into the building cradling the slightly-out-of-it Kin, Naruto flagged down the first ANBU he could find to pass off both the information he gained and his 'prisoner'.

Out in the arena, the fight between Neji and Shino had just been announced, and Naruto wanted to see it... There was a strong possibility that he'd have to fight the winner, after all.

On his way back to the competitor's box, though, Naruto found an obstacle in his path.

Right at the doorway to the exit out into the arena (from which Naruto had planned to leap up into the competitor's box) stood a person.

One that scared the shit out of him.

"Gaara..."

Naruto attempted to walk around the silent sand ninja, only to be blocked by a wall of sand.

'Oh shit, he's going to attack me for what I did to his sister!'

"Err... Could you let me pass?"

The two stared at each other for a moment, with Naruto growing increasingly nervous over Gaara's continued silence. Finally, though, Gaara spoke.

"In each of your matches, you performed large amounts of violence upon your opponent... Yet each and every one of them seemed to enjoy it. Whenever I fight, and injure or maim my opponents, they do not express any pleasure, much less to the level that your opponents did. Explain to me why that is so."

"... What!"

Finding no reply to his exclamation, Naruto realized that no, Gaara was NOT joking (no matter how out of character it would have been for him to be, Naruto could still hope).

Looking around, Naruto tried to find an avenue of escape... Only to see that both paths through the building were cut off by walls of sand.

"Well, um... Ya know, I'm not exactly sure myself... I mean, I have a guess or two, but I don't know WHY they would be true."

'Goddamn, what the hell is going on? Why on earth would HE be asking ME a question like this? This makes absolute no sense.'

"Explain them anyway."

"Well, first... Why the heck are you asking me this anyway?"

"... Because my sister always objects when I perform acts of unnecessary violence, yet now my sister, among others, seemed to enjoy your acts of unnecessary violence."

'Is he looking for acceptance? Acknowledgement? I... guess I can understand that...'

Naruto was confused as hell as to what was going on, and why Gaara, of all people, was demanding an explanation like this.

But... Naruto supposed he could try to explain what had happened, if it meant that Gaara might have a less... dangerous... method of releasing his frustrations.

Even if it might cause some rather embarrassing situations further down the road for some unlucky ladies.

"Well, umm... We learned back in the academy some counter-kunoichi tactics, especially dealing with missions where the enemy might be disguised as a, err, prostitute. And most of them dealt with how the undercover ninja women weren't ACTUALLY prostitutes, so if you treated them in a certain way, they wouldn't know how to react and handle it the way a real, um, prostitute would. Though I don't know why that's true, or why any of it works..."

Naruto trailed off, hoping this would be the end of it, and Gaara would let him get back to the arena without a fight that would undoubtedly destroy at least this part of the building, and perhaps get them both disqualified.

After a short moment of contemplation, Gaara spoke up.

"Explain to me how you treat them to make them enjoy your violence, and perhaps I'll be able to explain why it works on Kunoichi."

"... What? How would you know that?"

"... I'm a Kunoichi."

Silence.

"No you're not!"

"..."

'What the hell! This makes absolutely no sense!'

Gaara continued to stare at Naruto, causing him to start to nervously stutter.

"Well, um... You DO have a really deep voice."

"A side effect of having sand constantly surrounding your body, including your mouth, is that you breathe in sand a lot, which makes my voice very raspy."

"Well, uhh... You don't look like a girl, either! Ya know..."

Naruto made a few hefting motions around his chest with his hands, before awkwardly petering off as Gaara continued to stare at him.

"I coat my entire body with a layer of sand that compresses against me. It works in a similar manner as bindings."

"You know what? I don't even want to think about this any further, because I'm creeped out enough as is. I'm just going to take your word that you're a girl."

"..."

"Well, Iruka-sensei said it all had to do with confidence..."

1234567890

Back in the arena, Neji and Shino continued their battle. It was an epic fight, with bugs and glowy chakra covered palms flying everywhere. Apparently, Shino was a better fighter and tactician then most took him for.

The genin up in the stands were all watching the fierce battle... Well, the guys were. The girls weren't really paying attention (well, Tenten was, but that was it).

No, they had more important things on their mind.

Like Naruto.

Sakura was alone in being irritated at Naruto for how often it seemed that he sexually harassed girls and got away with it. She'd have to make sure he learned he WASN'T supposed to do that in a fight... Like, say, he was training with her.

Especially not in front of Sasuke... That'd be bad.

Ino and Hinata, though, were wondering as to how to approach Naruto without looking like they would just let him do whatever he wanted to them. Which they would, probably... In Ino's case, he's already seen it all, anyway, and Hinata just wanted Naruto in any way she could get him.

Both quickly noticed Naruto's absence, though... And it worried them.

Because they didn't see Gaara, either.

Neither was all that surprised, either, when after they began moving out towards the contestants entrance, Temari joined up with them.

1234567890

Sarutobi, up in his Kage box, just received a note with Naruto's discoveries.

With a subtle hand motion, Sarutobi dismissed the ANBU, to let him organize their defenses as best as possibly could be done with such short notice.

The Sandaime turned towards the 'Kazekage', who was intensely watching the fight, noting to himself that perhaps he should pick up that Neji kid, too.

After all, anyone who was that talented as a ninja, yet also was able to keep his hair that perfect... He clearly belonged with Orochimaru in Sound. He and Kimimaro would probably get along perfectly.

'Well, now that I know its Orochimaru... There really isn't much I can do before he makes his move...'

And Sarutobi was most definitely disturbed by the odd grin growing on Orochimaru's face, as he stared at Neji.

1234567890

"Ok, I think I'm going to have to draw the line here, Gaara. No... Just no."

"..."

"Goddamnit, I WILL fight you here if you try to make me do this!"

"Then perhaps I will disregard your assurances that this would only be an effective tactic on women, and test it out on YOU?"

Naruto's eyes bugged out, as a giant sand hand appeared in front of him.

What led up to this, you ask?

Well, Naruto began to go over what he remembered of Iruka's lecture on 'counter-Kunoichi' tactics, explaining about how acting confident and in control, while placing the woman in a position where they didn't feel either, worked to act against the undercover ninjas attempt on luring a male ninja in with sex.

Iruka went into a long spiel about various psychological strategies and logic and such, that Naruto eventually boiled down to 'Girls like guys with confidence, and mixing confidence in with the thought of sex turns girls on.'

Especially girls who live the extremely stressful life of a ninja.

Naruto was even more terrified of Gaara then he had been back in the hospital... The way Gaara just stared impassively at him as he struggled to recall everything Iruka said.

It was even weirder the way that Gaara always steered the conversation back towards the act of spanking, and the inherent violence in that act that apparently girls liked (something Naruto kept on stressing... He didn't want Gaara to think she (or at least, so Gaara claimed) should attempt to spank Naruto).

Though, Naruto was a tad surprised that Gaara was seemingly attempting to, out of nowhere, find a way to both inflict violence and have the inflictee be happy at the same time. It seemed rather out of character for the... for Gaara.

Naruto decided to then stop trying to attach gender pronouns to Gaara, because just trying to imagine Gaara being a girl seemed so wrong to him.

Gaara, though... Gaara had her reasons for cornering Naruto and getting him to explain the phenomena that she had witnessed.

The short answer was that, at the tender age of 12, Gaara had hit puberty, and started noticing boys.

The long answer was that Gaara, at the tender age of 12, had hit puberty, and started to notice boys... And attempted to reconcile such thoughts with her penchant for random maimings.

She knew, after all, that most people just weren't into a casual slaughter as much as she was.

So, when she saw a guy who apparently had a method for dealing with the opposite sex that involved violence, Gaara decided to find out more.

Though it frustrated her a tad that apparently the violence was a one-way street, at least then her chosen mate would be less likely to voice displeasure at the idea of her doing violence on someone else.

This brings us to the current situation, where Gaara decided that Naruto should spank her right here, right now.

Naruto stared nervously at the sand-hand, and gulped as he saw it hit the back wall of sand, nearly breaking through it.

He sighed, and stood up.

'Well, if I have to do it... I might as well do it right...'

Squaring his shoulders, Naruto formed the familiar hand-seal, and summoned forth a few Kage bunshin.

Naruto stared Gaara (who he was hoping to hell was a girl like Gaara said) in the eyes, summoning the forth all the confidence he could muster.

'Gaara isn't going to squish me, I just explained in detail why I'm going to do what... Gaara... asked me to... Please, for the love of God, let Gaara be a girl...

'I can do this... I'm going to be the Hokage, right? What's a single ninja to the Hokage? Nothing! I can do this!'

Putting himself into the right mindset, Naruto reached forth, and grasped both of Gaara's wrists in one hand, lifting it above her head.

With a silent command, one of his Kage bunshins formed into a seat, which Naruto sat down on, bringing Gaara down with him.

Naruto was a tad bit surprised, as so far the sand hadn't reacted to him like he had seen to Lee... It seemed as if Gaara was truly serious about this.

Though it was still creepy, that Gaara had yet to do anything but stare impassively through the entire conversation, even now as Naruto pulled her over his knee.

Treating it like jumping into cold water to get it over with fast, Naruto pulled down Gaara's pants in one smooth notion... Thanking the Ramen above that Gaara had girly-bits.

'Well, here goes...'

SLAP!

SLAP!

SLAP!

1234567890

It was at this moment, that several things were going on at once.

First off, Neji had finally defeated Shino, finishing off their awesome duel with an overly-dramatic (and seeming random) speech about fate, then an application of some special chakra point that, in combination with many others that had been hit during the fight, finally cut off Shino from communicating with his bugs, and ended the streams of chakra that they could give him to replace the amounts that Neji was blocking off within him.

Secondly, Orochimaru was starting to rethink the idea of taking Neji, as if he bitched THAT much about the caged bird seal, who knows how long it would take him to shut up about the curse seal? No, he might as well just stick with Sasuke.

Thinking that, Orochimaru decided that he might as well start to get ready to set off Gaara... Who he now just noticed was missing.

And finally, the three girls, after getting lost several times in the hallways (and having to prove their credentials numerous times, and that they weren't spies or fakes or anything to the ANBU), finally arrived at Gaara's sand wall.

Which looked to be weakening, for some reason the girls couldn't figure out...

1234567890

'Oh holy shit! I think this might be even worse result then if she had decided to kill me! At least then, I'd know what to do...'

It was both creepy and erotic... Near instantaneously, Naruto noticed Gaara... enjoying the spankings.

The way Kin and Temari had.

The 'sticky' way.

Maybe it was because no one ever touched her, in any way that could be considered remotely intimate, but she seemed to be enjoying it even more then that Sound girl had, to go by the moans.

Which consisted of the creepy part. Gaara did have a mannish sort of monotone... Hearing her moan REALLY weirded him out, especially because it was STILL monotone, and STILL sounded very manlike.

Unconsciously working her entire ass over, Naruto looked around, to get a grip on reality again.

And he noticed that the sand walls were definitely not as sturdy-looking as they had before.

Naruto smirked... 'Well, if this is what can earn me my escape, then I might as well make sure to do it right!'

With renewed vigor, Naruto returned to the task at hand... He had, after all, just come up with a way to make it better... at least for him.

He still had that rag he used to gag Temari, after all...

So, taking a pause to kneed her behind softly, Naruto handed the gag off to one of the remaining bunshin, who knelt down and put it into Gaara's mouth.

This muffled her moans, and made the whole situation infinitely more enjoyable for Naruto.

Naruto, figuring he might as well go for broke (since it seemed that Gaara might as well decide to go back to the 'kill everyone' stage of romance if this didn't pan out), Naruto began using his right hand, which had been place on Gaara's lower back to keep her steady, to spank her, as he used his left hand to begin rubbing... lower.

And everyone was surprised at what they saw after the sand walls that had previously been blocking sight exploded outward.

1234567890

"For the Semi-final round of the Chuunin exam tournament, it will be Uzumaki Naruto vs. Gaara of the Desert..."

Lots had randomly been selected to see which individual would get the bye into the finals, and Neji had won it.

However, after announcing the match... People noticed that said competitors weren't present.

Just as Genma was going to announce again, that yes, Naruto and Gaara had to come to the arena NOW for their fight, sand exploded out of an entrance that people had forgot was there, since it had been blocked for so long.

Showing everyone that, apparently, Naruto had won the fight before it had even started.

Everyone stared in a mixture of awe and confusion as one of the Naruto bunshins cautiously stuck his head out into the arena, even as the real Naruto continued to gently ministrated to the semi-conscious Gaara.

Realizing that all eyes were now on him, and that he was supposed to be in the arena fighting Gaara, after pulling Gaara's clothes back on, Naruto stood up, once more holding ANOTHER female opponent bridal style.

Walking slowly into the arena, Naruto looked at the proctor.

"Um... I think this counts as a win, right?"

Genma just stood frozen; not even moving after the senbon fell out of his mouth.

Finally, gathering his wits, he asked the first question that came to mind.

"Gaara's a girl!"

Temari, arriving into the arena from the same entrance with Ino and Hinata following, answered his question.

"Well, yeah, couldn't you tell?"

Naruto and Genma just stared at Temari like she was crazy, who only grew more confused.

"... You didn't realize she was a girl? What the hell is wrong with you people!"

Genma just shook his head, and looked back at Naruto.

Not realizing that the three other girls had been separated by another wall of sand, Genma decided that anyone who could apparently be with four girls at once and not be killed deserved to be a Kage, much less a chuunin.

"Winner, Uzumaki Naruto!"

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE

Naruto stared nervously at the sand-hand, and gulped as he saw it hit the back wall of sand, nearly breaking through it.

He sighed, and stood up.

'Well, if I have to do it... I might as well do it right...'

Just as Naruto began to reach out and get a hold of Gaara, the wall of sand, after being weakened by Gaara's bitch-slap, collapsed.

"Yes! There must be spankings!"

Naruto looked up, confused, to see Ino, Tenten, and Hinata, all half-dressed and looking half crazed, staring at him in a way that made him feel like he was a giant bowl of ramen.

"What?"

"Yes, Naruto, we've all been bad girls; trying to get in the way of you being a chuunin... you must punish us!"

"Yes, a spanking! A spanking!"

"And then... The oral sex!"

Not really knowing what to do, or why these girls were in the process of getting undressed and demanding that he do with their young, nubile flesh as he willed, Naruto decided he didn't care.

Because this was fucking awesome!

"No, Naruto! Don't do it!"

Hobbling into the room, with an icepack clutched to his balls, Sasuke burst onto the scene.

"No! We've been bad girls... We must be spanked!"

"Yes! Spank us!"

"Silence, foul temptress!"

"Why the hell shouldn't I do this, Sasuke?"

"It's too perilous... I've seen what girls do when they try to do THAT with you... They just want to use you, then get themselves pregnant, and force you to marry them! It's much too perilous to leave you alone with them, where they might trap you into a relationship!"

Naruto looked skeptically at Sasuke... This was definitely crazy talk.

"Err, I think I can handle a little peril, Sasuke, thanks for the concern..."

Sasuke, looking even more frantic then before, yanked Naruto up by his shoulder, and began pushing him out of the room.

"No! It's too perilous! I know... Girls have tried to do this to me before... And even though I don't like you that much, Naruto, I refuse to let you fall for their evil tricks! There's too much peril here! We must flee!"

Naruto resisted Sasuke's pushes, trying to get back to the good looking girls who had started stripping.

"Look, Sasuke, it's not THAT perilous... I can handle it... I could handle it single-handedly!"

"Yes, let him handle us."

Everyone paused, looking at Gaara. It seemed that Gaara had been caught up in the moment, too.

Sasuke shook his head. "No! Quick! Quick!"

With that, Sasuke hustled Naruto out, up into the arena competitor box.

"Whew... I was in the nick of time... You were in great peril."

"I don't think I was."

"Yes you were."

"Look, let me go back their and sample the peril... It's my sworn duty as a ninja of Konoha to sample any peril that comes my way!"

"No, you have a Chuunin exam tournament to compete in."

"Oh, come on... Let me have a little peril."

"No, it's unhealthy."

"... I bet you're gay."

"No, I'm not."

Author's Notes: Yeah, it's a tad out of character... But I think it came out ok.

And if Gaara was a girl, I could see that thought process of violence-for-pleasure occur (hell, it'd make sense in canon, too).

Lighter on the spankings, heavier on the plot... But it sorta had to be, because it would have sucked completely otherwise...

And note that the invasion hasn't even started yet... there's still more room for this to continue!

And if you don't recognize the Omake, shame on you! Go watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Like, right now. Go.

Do it.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"… And for the final round of the Chuunin Exam Tournament, it is Uzumaki Naruto vs. Hyuuga Neji!"

The air was tense. The audience was hushed. All eyes were on the competitors.

Well, that wasn't quite true. Two Anbu had just finished removing all the sand that Gaara had… Released… into the Arena. Many people were shocked, and many men were confused at how they should react to the semi-nude 12 year old girl who was half carried away by her older sister.

A 12 year old girl that most spectators had thought was a 12 year old boy.

A 12 year old girl who had lost her fight just as it started, not even in the arena, by apparently forcing her opponent into sexually assaulting her.

It was one thing for a crowd of 12-14 year old boys to cheer at the 12 year old girl taken down 'that way' in the prelims… But for the men in the audience, they were just confused.

The women in the audience also had mixed reactions, though mostly ranging from insane outrage to envy. Envy, oddly enough, encapsulated most thoroughly in one Hyuuga Hinata.

It just wasn't fair! She was the one who pined after Naruto! She was the one who loved him for years! She was the one who once snuck into his apartment and stole his dirty laundry!

Hinata blushed. She hard returned most of it the next day, when Naruto had come into class wearing cloths he had clearly outgrown, proving that the laundry she stole was probably most of the cloths she owned… But she did keep a single pair of pants under her mattress…

At the other end of the spectrum was Haruno Sakura. Her face as red as her hair was pink, one could practically see the steam pouring out of her ears. This, right here, was why she would never date Naruto! He was a pervert! Clearly, he'd never learn how to treat women, and when she next got a hold of him… Pow! Right to the kisser!

There were some women who were in the middle, not quite sure if they liked seeing a girl taken down that way, while at the same time, thinking that it was a helluvalot better then the way most fights ended. At least these girls looked like they were having a good time!

There were two men who had unique reactions to the previous fight, both pretty much the ones you'd expect: Jiraiya and Kakashi.

Jiraiya was frustrated. For the sake of all the glorious naked female body parts out there, why hadn't that genius child TOLD him that he had a technique like this?! If Jiraiya had only known that Naruto had been developing a fighting style designed to disable women, yet entice them to come back for more, he wouldn't have wasted a freaking month teaching him to summon frogs! No, he'd have been teaching him all the wondrous pressure points and subtle chakra techniques he had picked up in his long life of womanizing. Jiraiya vowed that he would take his new apprentice out for a long training trip after this… Hell, even if it took 3 years, it would be worth it to finally pass on the legacy he cared about!

Kakashi… Well, Kakashi's reaction was a lot more… direct. He dropped down into the arena, put both hands on Naruto's shoulders, and spoke quietly in a serious tone. "Naruto… I've never been more proud of anyone than I am of you in my entire life. To think, you could actually lure your opponents to demand that you defeat them before you were even supposed to be fighting them… And like that… I want you to have this."

With that, Kakashi handed over the copy of Icha Icha: Paradise he had been reading, and then disappeared back into the crowd.

Thus bringing us to the current situation…

Naruto, with porn in hand, stood facing off against Neji.

"Begin!"

1234567890

"So, uh… Don't take this the wrong way, because I've had a fucked up day… But you aren't secretly a girl, too, are you? Because that's already happened to me once today, and I really don't think I could handle it happening twice."

"No, Uzumaki-san, I'm not."

"Ahh… That's good…"

….

….

"And I hope you do not take this the wrong way, because I've only see you fight a few times… But you don't have any plans on, ahem, spanking me, do you?"

"NO! No! Oh good god no!"

"That's… good."

A tumbleweed blew through the center of the arena, as the two combatants continued to stare awkwardly at each other.

"So, what happens now?"

Neji's posture relaxed ever so slightly, and he sighed. "Well, to be honest, I had planned out a really good speech on how much of a loser you were, and how you were fated to lose to me, and how terrible my life is. But, I used several parts of that speech in my last fight, and frankly, anyone who can display the… prowess… you have is clearly not a loser."

Naruto nodded slowly. "Well, yeah, I was kinda upset with you about how you treated Hinata and all… But I'm too drained to really care. I'm actually kind of hungry right now."

The crowd hung on every word, wondering when the fighting would start.

Neji stared at Naruto. Naruto stared back.

"Yes, well, Hinata had it coming, like everyone in the main-house… What with the caged-bird seal and all."

"Yeah, yeah, I can understand the whole 'terrible seal' thing." Naruto frowned, and then his expression turned pained as his stomach grumbled.

"Look, Neji… I'm pretty hungry… Want to continue this over ramen or something?"

"Hmm… Sure, why not… I have some questions I'd like to ask you that probably shouldn't be done out here, anyway."

And, with that, both contests left the arena at a rather swift pace, leaving pretty much everyone confused, and looking to the referee to see what was going to happen.

Said referee pulled out a small manual from his back pocket, and flipped through it, and then closed it in disgust. "Apparently, there isn't any rule about time limits OR ring outs. Technically, the fight won't end until one gives up or is knocked out, without any specifications for when or where it happens… Guess that means I have to follow them."

The crowd's murmuring and confused chatter grew louder as the referee exited the area in the same direction as the two younger ninja, wondering if they were supposed to follow or not. A lot of them figured that this meant the whole thing was over, and started to leave. Many of the lower ranked ninja began making their way back to their homes or posts, as well, whereas the higher ranked ninja, who knew about the current 'Kaze-kage', began subtly making their way to the Kage box.

Said Kage box, at a sign from the Sandaime, was now full of Anbu.

Anbu who were all staring at Orochimaru.

Orochimaru just looked over at them and sighed. "This plan really fell apart. How the hell did the Kyuubi child manage to subvert one of my ninja so easily and effortlessly? Next time, Sarutobi-sensei… Next time."

And with that, Orochimaru shunshin'd out of the area.

1234567890

"So 'she' waltzes up to me and demands that I spank her! Fuck, does Gaara even look like a girl? No! Yet I gotta start explaining counter-kunoichi tactics to her and then, well, you know…"

"Bah, if dealing with women was as easy for the rest of us, so many problems would be solved. You know what you should do, Uzumaki? You should, after Hinata-sama becomes clan leader, spank her into getting the Caged-Bird Seal removed. Damn me if that wouldn't work…"

"Agh! No! Sakura would kill me! Hell, I'm surprised I'm not dead yet, with how crazy she looked today."

"Why on earth should you care? She's clearly the least attractive girl around our age, as well as the least skilled. I mean, pink hair? Who does that?"

"What the hell is going on!?"

It was a strange scene. One that most people would title 'entirely out of character for everyone involved'. Granted, it had been a most peculiar day, but this stretched the bounds of what most sane people considered plausible.

Naruto and Neji sat next to each other at the bar at Ichiraku's. Genma, the referee, stood nearby, leaning against a poll at the stand, reading a book. Jiraiya was crouching stealthily nearby, waiting for an opportune moment to spring out, grab Naruto, and continue his training in the ways of wooing women.

And a few people had just arrived on the scene.

'People' translating into Tenten, Hinata, Ino, and Sakura. Sakura was currently being restrained by both Ino and Hinata, and Tenten was the one who had shouted.

Tenten had never in her entire life expected to see Neji acting so… casual. Not with anybody. Hell, he was rather formal with her (and now that she thought about it, most every girl he had ever seen him interact with), and he invariably treated every guy he ever met like crap. And yet… he seemed to acting like a normal teenager who was hanging out with a… friend?

"Look, Tenten, we're just trying to eat ramen here. I've had a long, long day, I've had to wash my hands about 20 times, and I've gone through 3 pairs of pants, all because OTHER people ruined them for me. I'm tired, I'm hungry, please for the love of God just let me eat!"

Naruto was out of character for pretty much the precise reasons he had just listed. He was, frankly, too stressed out to be as bouncy and excitable as he normally was, and all his interactions with women today left him feeling rather… mellow. Like… that he didn't have that much to prove anymore.

Naruto turned to Neji, and resumed their previous conversation. "Ya know, Neji, normally I'd disagree with you and all about Sakura. But I just feel kinda… lazy?... and don't care that much. And your idea is dumb, and will get me killed by your clan."

"No, because at that point, Hinata would be in charge, so if you, ahem, did your thing with her, there'd be no one higher then her to call you on it."

"YES!"

Everything in the stand ground to a halt, and everyone turned to Hinata, who, after her cry, was reddening at an alarming rate.

"Eep!" Thump. And down went Hinata.

Naruto looked back at his ramen, then at Hinata again. "Man, I totally don't need this, too."

Tenten was the first to snap out of shock at Hinata's proclamation. "Neji, you were just telling me yesterday about how much of a loser and dead last and whatnot Naruto was, and now you're all buddy-buddy with him eating lunch?"

Neji looked up from his ramen, and replied, "That was before Uzumaki proved that he was the only male in our age bracket worthy of respect. Clearly, anyone as accomplished as he is cannot be a loser, and thus the fate of our match was cast into doubt. Besides, I'm rather happier not fighting him, after seeing his… fighting style…"

With Hinata down for the count, Ino alone was insufficient at holding Sakura back, and Neji's latest comment spurred her to new heights of anger. Breaking free of Ino's grip, she stomped up to Naruto.

"Naruto, you pervert! How dare you take such liberties with young kunoichi's bodies? Don't you know it's wrong to abuse women that way? If you ever try that again, I'm going to…"

Sakura's rant continued on for a good 3 minutes before she realized that Naruto was paying more attention to his ramen then her.

"Listen to me, damnit!" Sakura wound up for a punch, ready to smack Naruto good, before he spoke up again.

"But Sakura, this was all your idea. If you don't like it, you only have yourself to blame."

Sakura's jaw dropped, as in her righteous feminine rage she HAD overlooked that fact. Naruto stood up, ramen finished, and turned to say something to Neji. Before he could say anything, a trail of sand blew up out of nowhere, and Temari and Gaara whisked into the stand, grabbed Naruto, and disappeared. As Temari grabbed Naruto, she stated, "Sorry, Kazekage's orders."

Everyone froze for a second, and then Jiraiya leapt into the stand out of hiding, remembering just who the 'Kazekage' was at the moment, and immediately decided that he in no way wanted Orochimaru to influence HIS protégé. "After them!"

Before they could run off after the two girls who had just kidnapped Naruto, Genma closed his book, and started to walk away. "Congratulations, Neji… Unlike ring outs and timeouts, there actually IS a rule pertaining to being kidnapped mid-match. If someone from a different village then either the competitors does manage to nab you, it means you lose. You're the winner."

Before anyone could congratulate anyone for winning, though, Ino and Hinata (who had miraculously awoken the moment Naruto was in danger) led the charge out of the stand after Naruto, bowling Neji over. Neji's dignity was even further compromised when Sakura, and then Jiraiya in his Geta stampeded over his body in chase.

"… I was… fated to… ouch… win."

1234567890

The two Sand girls were moving at a fast pace, but not so fast that they couldn't hear when Naruto asked, "So what does that snake-freak want with me now?"

This confused the two young Kunoichi, prompting Naruto to explain to them what he had learned from his 'interrogation' of Kin.

Thus, Naruto was out in the woods with two girls whom he had just told that their father was assassinated and replaced by a middle-aged man with a creepy snake fetish, and was rather confused at their rather nonchalant, "Oh".

"So, uh, does that mean I can go?"

"Well, since we're out here in the woods anyway, and there's no one but us around… Why don't we have some fun?"

Temari's smirk grew bigger at the thought of what 'fun' they could have. Gaara's just grew creepier.

"Look, ladies, you're both good looking girls… Ok, you're a good looking girl and an eerily-mannish girl and I can honestly say I wouldn't mind going out with Temari… But I don't know if I know either of you well enough to just, ya know... Let you kidnap me to do THAT."

Naruto's gaze narrowed as he saw the girls tense into ready stances. Then he paled when Gaara announced, "Well, we can do it the easy way, or the hard way, Uzumaki. And the hard way will involve testing some theories about how effective these tactics are on men."

But then something in Naruto snapped. If that's what these girls wanted, then damnit, he was going to make sure they felt it! Naruto had been pushed around his whole life, and early on he found that fighting back, whether with pranks or fists, was usually his only recourse. Now he had an effective counter-strategy, and by God, he was going to use it!

"Fuck it! Kage Bunshin No jutsu!"

Outnumbered 50 to 1, the Temari and Gaara looked inordinately pleased (well, ok, Temari looked pleased, Gaara looked like she always did).

And just the 'carnage' began… The girls in chase arrived.

1234567890

It was a sight to remember, yet one that sadly only a single perverted old man got to see.

Dozens of clones had been dispelled, yet more then enough remained to satiate the ladies' desires.

Well, not so much as satiate, as take out Naruto's frustration.

Temari, dress shredded, was bent over a log, breathing deeply, while being administered to by a single clone. 'Administered to' meaning having her ass painted a more glowing red then it already was.

Gaara, with a good portion of Temari's shredded dress both tying her hands behind her back and gagging her, had passed out a good five minutes ago, completely unable to handle herself in this situation. A fact that made Naruto infinitely gladder then having to continue linking Gaara as female mentally, body parts notwithstanding.

Ino was still being worked on, squealing and cooing as a Naruto had her bent over his lap.

The three other girls, though… They had never been 'treated' by Naruto before. That hadn't stopped him, exactly, as they appeared at exactly the wrong time at the wrong place… Or perhaps that was the right time at the right place?

Tenten had been the first swept up, and after initial protests and a little screaming, had quieted down to mumbles, moans, and groans. Her pants, fully removed, had a wet spot that'd probably take a serious washing to get fully out, and her protests had disappeared quickly.

Hinata had practically thrown herself at a group of Naruto's, and STILL hadn't quieted down. Naruto had to gag her to keep down the shrieking, and if she hadn't been bucking and grinding all over his legs the whole time, Naruto would have been worried that she was truly terrified.

Naruto also noted that she had terrific boobs, but that was solely because Hinata had somehow ripped her own top off.

And finally, Sakura… Sakura had also passed out, also from over stimulation, and frankly, Naruto was kinda thankful. Maybe it was the stress… But Sakura just didn't look as appealing right now as she normally did, and especially not so in comparison to most of the other kunoichi present.

Or maybe it was all the threats of violence she promised during the first few minutes, before she seriously got into the action. Or maybe it was the way she kept on moaning 'Sasuke'. Either way… Naruto felt something was… lacking.

Jiraiya had been watching the whole scene, cheering on his apprentice and taking notes on all the things he could have been doing better, but all and all, was rather pleased with the boy.

Truly, Naruto was his perfect student.

And Orochimaru?

Well, after waiting for a good half hour, decided that his ruse had been seen through, and that he didn't have enough time to waste before his teacher and some ANBU arrived to justify waiting around for the possibility of the two girls returning.

1234567890

Naruto stumbled back into the Ramen stand, a good few hours later, where oddly enough he ran into the men from Team 8, Team 10, and Team Gai.

And maybe not so oddly, he arrived to a standing ovation.

And cheering. Lots and lots of cheering, and proclamations of how 'He was the man!'.

And Naruto felt that maybe there were other things out there besides being Hokage that would get people to acknowledge him.

And that perhaps they'd be a lot more fun, too.

Author's Notes: Well, this story is done, and finally withdrawn from the 'One shots' thread. Hope it wasn't too much of a disappointment, but I am rather out of practice writing, so who knows?

Don't know when I can say to expect my next update, or what it'll be, though, so I won't promise much. Just lately, I've been getting the urge to write again.

/shrug.


End file.
